Therefore and Then

As my heart slows

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 09:30:54 GMT

Distant lately ja... And somehow all the time now... I am driven by frustration in that seems like a drum that beats hard for true love, but not just any love... A love that I can truly connect with. I am doing such neat things right now through this frustration, but it is so hard to appreciate things while feeling down...and yeah down. If at all, I could try to describe myself as a bunch of marbles that are in the hands of many people standing around a table with a hard floor underneath. Its as if all those people suddenly dropped all the marbles on a table at the same time and then tried to stop them rolling off the table. I feel as if every marble is a part of me that is rolling away...

living to believe

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 00:23:30 GMT

Once upon a time I was in love and relished the present. I lost myself in to me how great She was. My lover though was never happy with the now and she dreamt of tomorrows with a fierce hope and wondered where it would take her.
Now she is long gone, but the thought of her can make me cry once in a while. I don't even know why but it still does. I am like her now. I live daily about how my future will be. A path of hope or at least striving to. It so seems not worth it. Granted it motivates me to do great things so far, but I probably trade anything just to be in love in the present again. I suppose i should make an effort to date again. Even though people think i have.. I really haven't cared all to much. The thought of dating someone new makes gag a little bit. Mostly because the thought of my heart going through what I did really sickens me.
An old man once let me know how people stay together for so long. He said its easy.. They are both crazy about each other. So I suppose I must of been the crazy one. So for me it is that path again.... I suppose if you will it, it is no dream. Although lately I wonder if the dream is still worth it.

holy crap fire

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 16:05:26 GMT

My fourth of July was nuts... A neighbor kid that was setting fireworks off with us. He just decided to leave his sparkler in a rosemary bush next to my parents house. He was rather young. The next thing we knew the bush was lit up huge like if it was a giant match head and it was a little crazy... My dad got the normal garden hose on it and it hardly did anything. It was nuts, then I ran inside and got a huge pitcher of water and I remember throwing it in at it and it did nothing as well. I was like damn... I don't envy firefighters... Because for a second I could see how you could feel helpless against a fire. Man so the next thing I knew I ran inside to get the car keys so I could the cars out of the driveway because they were within a foot from the huge fire. And as I did that I looked up from across the street now and like a neighbor came running in super fast and had a fire extinguisher. Between the garden hose and extinguisher the fire was able to go out. But dam it happened so fast... and it was a ton of adrenaline.

in·ex·pli·ca·ble

Mon, 14 May 2007 07:16:03 GMT

A mystery for me of late is that I am finding it so weird how I can start to fall for someone and not even see it coming. Maybe even if I was trying to deny it in my mind, but I still find a way to want or enjoy their company even if it is just on a minuscule level as well. Ack my mind is a in a rut...zzz

remnants

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 10:02:19 GMT

My thoughts were once whole with another in love. Now lately have dreamt of the remnants of a distant second...... Where I was lost in somebody else's idea of love.

Living to Love

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 08:23:19 GMT

Living to Love... That was my life. I truly enjoyed loving one person. This all changed because life can be unfortunate. Selfishness came about and fucked away all my blessed dreams that had rocked my soul, but now these dreams lay dormant and almost forgotten because they became rotten. It is hard to accept seeing the one that meant everything to you start to fade in your own eyes. This is sad to because I was good to her. I can honestly say that and mean that. As time has passed of late. I have been yearning to learn from this. I have become of great conviction and turned my tears into sweat. Now I sit at the fringe of which way I am going to go. I know the road and the right direction is to love again. But I am having trouble letting go of the idea of the past and the questions they always hold. I know I will take the right path. It is just hard looking back.

brought back

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 20:51:38 GMT

I was walking downtown today with my pal looking at bikes for him. And we noticed that a man had gotten hit in the crosswalk. He was in the middle of the intersection near Ubar So he had been flung a ways from the crosswalk. Crazy stuff. He looked totally out of it and practically just gone. Almost like looked like Will Ferrel the way he gets hit in stranger then fiction. It was bad, and it definitely made me sad. I was talking to one of the girls that worked at the north rim bikes and she said she saw it go down and that the guy tried to get up, but his legs didn't work and it look horribly odd. That he lifted up his mid section and instantly fell back down in a very clumsy manner as if nothing worked. It was really sad. It for sure had me thinking if i was that guy. Things could just stop at any moment. Thoughts of being with your lover, dreams you had of what you could be or wanted to be are gone in matter of seconds. So sad, but brought me back into reality a little bit. My head has been spinner for a few days and this so helped me appreciate the good people around me.

Random thoughts

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 09:07:48 GMT

I miss my love for someone and the day in and day out life i had.
I feel like i was a bad boyfriend... or a boyfriend that might not be that fun at times. To practical... Now that I am free and i am fun again. How odd is that... I let go of taking my job so seriously and i go out dancing again and have friends over often. Why wasn't i more like this before. It's so lame that i am getting back to being my fun self now without the person that meant the most to me in this world. How weird....I often wonder how She is....so weird and unfortunate. sigh sometimes i feel life is fucked.
So i try to move on... but with other girls, i often enjoy their company, they mean nothing more then friends.
I also miss cuddling, but i don't want to do that with people i don't love. It just feels fake....I don't want to be fake.. what the point.
I am actually in good shape now, and still dropping weight. I weighed roughly about 300 before i started boxing 5 weeks ago. Now i am down to like 250 or less, and the weight is coming off so fast. I am getting muscles i never knew i could have. but yeah... Sigh, I feel so odd sometimes now.. I can't sleep.. I just stay up and think and watch romantic comedies. Because i want to feel something other then the loss of my love. I have been playing tons of local poker down at our local club. I guess that is the other thing that is actually going good for me. I really have been tearing it up. I am up about 700 dollars in the last three days of poker. Which is neat, but the kind of people i take the money from are very odd, and kind of depress me a little bit from time to time. Although they tell great jokes. I guess i could use my poker skills in the bay. If my good friend Andy and I decide to move there pretty soon. I feel so lost lately, oh well and often wonder about my love. I am getting better day by day, but i still feel her loss daily.

I hate Sundays

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 22:24:27 GMT

It started young with having to go to church. Now its the day I can't exercise my pain away with my friends. So I think to much.. and miss to much

girl from the boxing gym

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 07:59:16 GMT

I recently made a friend with this Girl, or rather Mom from the boxing gym. She is going to fight in the chico fight nights at the gym. Which I really probally won't, but she is. The reason She is fighting is because of her kids I found out. She wants her kids to look up to her as a mom. I found this inspiring because she just went through a devorce. But the thing is she isn't getting the proper training really. She is working really hard at the class which is great for your stamina, but as far as boxing training she has none. So i am going spar with her and teach her coming up in the next few days. Basically on how to fight and take care of herself so she doesn't get hit to much. I really don't care much for her other then a friend, but her story is so dam inspiring for me. It is neat what some parents will do in the bleakest of times to show there kids how much they love them. And this may seem like a reach, but everyone does some things for a reason. I am sure you could say she could do it in other ways, but this her way. I find that special. So for that reason i want to help her. I am not even sure why.....

Life for me

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 07:40:30 GMT

I think besides my own personal happyness. I think i want a lover down the road that will be honest with me about whatever. For some reason or another i have struck out both times i thought i found true love. Granted i really thought my last lover was it. I really still don't totally understand why we didnt work it out, but life is odd thing, and maybe i got the wrong cards this time. The more i think about it though.... life is to short to be waiting on what if.... I am too good for that. Well not that i feel i am the greatest, but i feel like i love people to the best of my ability and that accounts for something. Maybe its time to let go, let go, let go......sigh

So yeah i want to be like have an Amelie love story happen for me right about now. THat would really do the trick. Maybe I just need the music from it. Fuck it, I am going to go watch the film now...to love!

Friday 8 at has beans

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 21:37:14 GMT

I figured i would promote my roommates show. They are the The Ambling Shambles. I saw them at the coco cafe last Friday, and they rocked it. I was really blown away. They practice upstairs a lot at my house so i hear remnants of it, but they put on a great show. Here is their myspace if your interested, because its their last show for a while or maybe ever. http://www.myspace.com/amblingshambles
check out the crow song....
check it out if you love great music...

sigh , why won't my heart slow down

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 10:08:10 GMT

I feel like this last month is a blur. From heart break to new beginnings.....I don't even know where to start.. I have lost 30 pounds... in one month. I have been a gym junky of late. All my new friends down at the gym want to me fight in the chico fight night, but i won't... I mean i really have nothing to fight for. I wish did..... I have met so many new neat people and yet it doesn't really fill the void. I have situations where i could get together with people, but i don't want to have a rebound relationship. That seems dumb, because i feel numb. So i push them away. I don't want to hurt people. I want so bad to be able to invest my heart somewhere, but there is nothing left inside. I am even talking about moving to the bay with great friend and longtime pal, but i don't know if that will help. Because If i can't be happy with myself now by myself. I don't think location can help. I think i need to find my own inner peace. Sigh, this was a blur of pain that i never expected. Its weird just when I thought I was set. Life throws the craziest curve ball. It's like I wish I could go back and throw the pitch before the curveball and make it fun. I feel like i could throw it better now. I have been way more laid back of late. I have been so much more fun lately. It's a wonder where I went... though Its hard for me to care about much. I wish i could smile more often and mean it. Sometimes I miss another goofy smile.... oh well such is life.

And so it goes

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 07:01:11 GMT

You move on, with angst and frustration that trails your everyday thoughts. You learn that an embrace of someone that once meant your world can be dealt with. Even though it isn't easy to combat the idea of letting go. You do, and as time moves it gets slowly the pain is less and less there. Still pain, yes Still confusion, yes. But less and less.....It seems everyday I take the pain away little by little with mass amounts of exercise. Which also gives me the ability to not think to hard at night. People have really been great as well. So damn understanding, it makes me wonder if I am that nice to people when they are down on their luck in front me. That gives me hope....hope as small as it is...it is fucking hope. I guess thats all i got, and maybe with hope with me along the way I will find my heart again as well.

..

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 09:03:43 GMT

And so the time comes to overcome, and I fall down in thought of what is it come.

Weird Day

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 08:14:09 GMT

I worked in Red Bluff all day in this house that was incredibly smelly. Its like cats and dogs just lived inside and never went out. Basically rebuilding a bathroom great fun... Not really...Then i finally get home after being up on coffee just so i can make the drive home on a crazy windy day. So i decide to take a nap before going to the gym like i normally do now. And I had a dream that was just so intense with happiness and sadness mixed into one. It really got to me and odded me out. So then i went to the gym and worked out way long and stayed longer then the class. Which is great because i know i am improving. I guess that is the only thing good about the day that didn't weird me out was the gym. sigh zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

diet

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 04:45:11 GMT

I am finding it is hard to find good combinations late at night with less carbos to eat. This is very frustrating for me. Because i know if i am strict to this is will lose more weight. I guess nobody said dieting was fun.. bah

Blossoms! w00

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 01:36:05 GMT

I was road my bike to the park today to go running because the gym wasn't open and its so dam nice out. I ended up not running. Because I found that i need a belt, but that gave me time when i was walking to notice that so many of the blossoms are out. Damn quite pretty..If you get a chance to go to the park this week while the weather is nice do it. The creek is really high too. So pretty..

To be or not to be... i froze.....

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 10:34:16 GMT

So for the second week in a row I danced with the same beautiful Japanese girl. Oh my she was pretty. She has such a cute goofy dance to Her. We talked about what we do and where are trying to go. But in the mix of jumping up and down I had a feeling I couldn't go any farther.. I felt my heart lock down..being frozen, or just inactive like there is nothing home, on hold, I don't know. Maybe my heart is still hurting. Because couldn't pull the trigger and tell Her how neat She is. I don't know if that is good or bad.... I know i am moving ahead, but my heart seems trapped for the moment, but damn she was pretty. Why am i stuck. Shit...Maybe my ex was something special.. Fuck i know She was. I am trying as hard as i can to move along. I don't know if that makes me happy or not, but i am trying. That is all i can do i suppose. Maybe my love for new people will open in time.

poker stuff

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 21:49:40 GMT

Well i threw alway practically all my poker research today. It just makes me sad to look at it. I am not sure if that is a good idea or not. I just don't want to look at anything that makes me sad anymore.

whew

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 05:11:45 GMT

I am thinking after a crazy hard workout. That a hot bath is one of the greatest things ever other then great sex.

Cleaning day..ack ack ack

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 21:05:29 GMT

Ack going to try get my house clean so it wont look like total shit, If we choose to have a bunch of friends over. Lol I know so boring. I think i need to put euromotion on play. And get serious on the dance floor. Eek i mean serious on cleaning the floor. yeah im a dork

tired

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 01:06:37 GMT

Some days its so weird, i just don't feel like i have it as far as working out. The weird thing about those days it seems i have my best workouts on those days. Maybe its just breaking through that tired wall. I might spare soon with my friend from Red Bluff who has a fight at the casino in ultimate fighting. I really told myself i was done sparing since i was in my younger 20's. But if he is going to fight i would like to be a part of helping him get there. Even though i like boxing a lot more then ultimate fighting, which seems barbaric is some ways.

romantic movies

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 05:06:16 GMT

wtf is with these movies.... They always get me.... my brother and his gf are watching, "A Good Year" in the other room. And i just watched this yesterday. But i can't help buy watch it again because it is romantic.... Dammit lol

Huge Pillows

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 18:43:52 GMT

Laf, today my friends and I are going to go get the material and try to make huge pillows in any shape we want. I wonder if this will be a tragedy or a comedy. ha